Wait..Am I Doing Therapy right?

Welcome to the series where I help everybody understand that we’re all going through the same shit!

I had this idea when I started noticing themes throughout my day.

It didn’t matter if I had one client, two clients, or seven clients. Somewhere underneath all the very different stories people were telling me, I kept noticing the same themes.

Different lives. Different circumstances. Different shit.

But somehow…the same shit.

So I wanted to create a space where we can normalize some of it, validate it, talk about it, and maybe help everyone realize that, in one way or another, we’re all dealing with a lot of the same things.

Of course, there are the usual suspects: conflict with your partner, wanting deeper friendships, not knowing how to be vulnerable, questioning your life choices, wondering why you do that thing you know you do but somehow keep doing anyway…

And, time and time again:

“Am I doing therapy right?”

Well, my friends, I’m here to tell you that if you’re asking yourself whether you’re doing therapy right, you probably already care enough about the process that you’re doing something right.

AND, if this makes you feel any better…

There really isn’t one “right” way to do therapy.

Do I believe there are wrong ways to do therapy? LOL. Absolutely. But one universally correct way?

Eh.

So…what’s the point of therapy?

Well, friend, it can be a multitude of things.

Therapy can be understood through a shit ton of different lenses. There are different theories, approaches, interventions, and schools of thought developed by people with different beliefs, research, experiences, and ideas about how humans work.

But ultimately, I’m gonna say this:

It depends on what YOU want out of therapy.

Do you want to understand why you do the things you do?

Are you angry and can’t figure out why?

Do you have a hard time getting close to people?

Are you constantly worried about being the best at something?

Is your relationship with your parents not where you want it to be?

Do you even consider yourself when you make decisions?

Is there that thing that happened to you in third grade that you swear you’re over, except somehow it has followed you around like a little shadow your entire life and maybe—just maybe—it has been influencing your relationships, your decisions, or the way you see yourself?

Yeah.

We can work on that.

The point of therapy, at least from my perspective, is to come curious.

Come curious and ready to explore.

Come willing to eventually talk about the hard shit you don’t want anybody to know about. The stuff you have a hard time facing. The things you’ve convinced yourself “aren’t a big deal” but somehow keep showing up.

And I’m NOT saying you need to walk into your first session and immediately spill your deepest, darkest secrets to a stranger with a clipboard.

Please don’t misunderstand me.

What I am saying is that, over time, your therapist should hopefully become someone you feel like you could tell those things to.

If not?

Well…we may need to talk about how to choose a therapist next.

Let me put a pin in that.

“But what if I don’t know what to say?”

If you come to therapy thinking:

“I’m not gonna talk.”

Okay. Maybe you’re not quite ready to talk yet.

And honestly? That can be something to talk about too.

If you come into therapy thinking:

“Well, ask me questions and I’ll answer them.”

I might counter with:

“Tell me a story that feels important to you.”

And if you don’t want to share any stories yet, maybe we start somewhere else.

What would make it feel safer to share what’s actually on your mind?

Maybe we need to talk about why therapy feels weird.

Maybe you had a shitty experience with another therapist.

Maybe your family thinks therapy is ridiculous.

Maybe you think therapy is ridiculous.

Maybe you’ve spent your entire life handling your own shit and now some lady on a screen is asking, “And how did that make you feel?” and you’re thinking, Girl, I don’t know. That’s why I’m paying you.

Fair.

MAYBE we need to get all your preconceived notions—and your shit talking—about therapy out first.

Let’s talk about all of it.

Get it out of the way.

And then maybe we can get down to the nitty gritty.

Your therapist is not going to be everybody’s therapist.

I’ll also have you note, that I am one therapist in a world of more than eight billion people.

One.

So if you read all of this and think my approach is a bunch of hooey?

That is okay.

Seriously.

There are SO MANY therapists to choose from.

Different personalities. Different styles. Different theories. Different identities. Different specialties. Different levels of structure. Some will challenge you more. Some will sit back more. Some will give you homework. Some will absolutely not. Some are very clinical. Some are more conversational.

And you’re allowed to figure out what works for you.

Find the therapist who makes you feel a little warmer on the inside.

The one who makes you think, Okay…maybe I could tell this person the weird shit.

Not the one who makes you want to run out of the room, slam your laptop shut, or dramatically hang up the phone.

LOL.

Therapy can be uncomfortable sometimes. Actually, good therapy probably will be uncomfortable sometimes.

But there’s a difference between:

“This is uncomfortable because I’m talking about something vulnerable.”

and

“This person makes me feel unsafe, unseen, judged, or like I cannot be myself.”

Pay attention to that difference.

You don’t have to know exactly what you’re doing.

You don’t have to show up with a perfectly organized list of childhood traumas.

You don’t need the “right” thing to talk about that week.

You don’t even have to know exactly what you want out of therapy yet.

Just bring yourself.

Bring some curiosity.

Bring whatever shit has been following you around lately.

We’ll figure out the rest.

Because, as it turns out, we’re all going through some version of the same shit anyway.

Okie, That’s all I got for today. Chat next time.

-Mikaela

Doctor of Social Work • Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

I’ve spent more than a decade working in mental health across therapy, crisis intervention, child welfare, housing, and community-based settings. Basically, I’ve spent a lot of years sitting with humans while we try to make sense of the complicated shit that comes with being human.

P.S. Random Thoughts With a Therapist is for reflection and education—not therapy, diagnosis, or individualized mental health advice.